I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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