It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Still dying that you shit outside
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
