I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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