Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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