Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
