hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
