Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"