The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
