Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
