Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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