Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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