The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize