What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
That accounts for only three of the penises
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Randomize
