Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
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It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
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I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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