i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
