So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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