I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
