Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
