To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
