and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
