smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm going to jail i love you
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
