You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
