Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
