Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
