hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
