Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
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