You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
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Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
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I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?