My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
