someone threw a dead crab at me
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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