I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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