maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
