Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
