My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Come on in and take your pants off
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