I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
