If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I love you.
Bad choice
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
