i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
this is an emotional support booty call
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
