On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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