I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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