you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
