when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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