my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
