im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
