Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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