Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
