I haven't been this sober since birth.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
