This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
