saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
