I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
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I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
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I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.