i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.