Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
