Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My ass is underappreciated
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
