I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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