Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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