i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
