Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
