Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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